Why is it hard to forgive?
Forgiveness
Life throws us curveballs at every turn, each more confounding than the last. And what’s our comfort? The wistful notion that our miseries are just a spell, a mere page in the grand epic of our existence. Yet, as Father Time ushers us forth, there it lurks—a smudge on the canvas of our lives, that darned spot resistant to the strongest of detergents. It’s our very own “shield,” the relic of pain that shields us from the onslaught of forgiveness.
In the stillness of a brewing storm, when the winds of grievances sway through the corridors of our hearts, lies an undying question—a question as old as humanity itself. Why is it so hard to forgive? This single inquiry, carried on the wings of our most painful memories, circles the mind like a hawk, ever watchful, ever-present. It dives into the crevices of our inner turmoil, stirring the echoes of words we’d rather forget. Forgiveness, that elusive butterfly, seems always just out of reach, prompting us to wonder: why can we not cage it within the confines of our grasp?
Oh, the giggles and embraces from those who professed adoration—until the moment of betrayal shattered our trust. “I loved you,” they cry, but their dagger stares you right in the face, demanding a “why” for which no satisfactory answer will ever be carved. The hurt is broadcast to us not just to feel but to witness. Exaggeration? Hardly! This is pain speaking—an eloquent dramatist, turning logic on its head as it screams for an eye for an eye. Forget leniency; bring forth the scales of justice, for payment must be meted out!
Recall, if you will, the sting of insolence—be it the heinous crime of someone snagging your last slice of pizza or the profound abyss of betrayal. You, like many others, craved retribution. The wound inflicted seemed to bleed out autonomy, and with each ponderance of forgiveness, you feared another slash would soon follow. We’ve all been there, armoring up our hearts, barricading them with walls a mile high to keep from getting hurt again.
Forgiveness is a pathway strewn with the thorns of pride and the stones of resentment. It invites us to walk barefoot, to bleed, and to feel the acute pain of vulnerability. Our egos become the mocking crows perched upon the crossroads, cawing reminders of the injustice we have been served. In the unforgiving flame of anger, we find a twisted warmth—a heat that caresses us with the temptation of righteous indignation. But at what cost?
Consider the last ember of rage that burned in your heart. How often have you danced with the idea of letting it go, only to pull it closer, fueling a fire that promises destruction? How easy is it truly, in the raw moments of human experience, to extinguish such flames with the water of absolution? We revel in the drama of our own stories, each of us the tragic protagonist who has been wronged. And in this narrative that we weave, forgiveness seems like a distant, unsatisfying finale.
Enter the profound wisdom of Lewis Smedes, the great escape artist for the soul—”To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that prisoner was you.” How poignant! Bitterness and vengeance, those vile twins, fester within, gnawing away the essence of joy, morphing you into a shadow puppet—lifeless, sour, a portrait of despair.
We criticize others with the ruthlessness of a courtroom judge, holding onto their mistakes like prized trophies. Yet how often do we pardon our transgressions without a second thought? The so-called “fundamental attribution error” isn’t just about attribution. It’s about seeing our blunders through rose-tinted glasses, believing we’ll do better next time while leaving no room for error for others.
Forgiveness isn’t the white flag of defeat, nor is it rubber-stamp injustice. When was the last time you tried to understand why someone had hurt you? Come now, do tell tales. Yet as you sit there, in the audience of your conflicts, watching the unfurling tale of grudges and hurt, I ask you to pause and dare to imagine a different ending—an ending where the chains of resentment melt away, and the freedom of forgiveness takes the stage. What would it take to write such a scene? Could you bear to hold the pen?
Some would have us believe love can shack up with an unforgiving heart. But can it truly be? The biggest act of love in history involved the ultimate sacrifice for forgiveness. If love doesn’t know how to forgive, then it’s missing the mark. As the great scripture speaks, the one who does not love has not become acquainted with God, for God is love.
The formidable task of all is this: self-forgiveness. How does one move past the hatred of self-disgrace after wounding a loved one or wrecking one’s world over a folly? Even the pettiest of self-inflicted guilt can weigh heavier than chains. Ever beat yourself up over a fight with your folks and felt awful, even though they didn’t ground you? That’s what it feels like.
Yet, amidst this bleak view, a beacon of hope gleams—forgiveness liberates. To embrace the divine, one must slough off the shackles of resentment and anger. True enough, unforgiveness is a burdensome yoke, ensnaring us in a quagmire of wrath and self-reproach. A greater confidence is that we have received forgiveness and complete pardon for our sins. What greater encouragement do we need to let go of our own shackles and release the pain from the past? Think twice before becoming one of those bitter, grumpy souls no one invites to dinner parties.
So, as we navigate the murky waters of forgiveness, may we seek to unburden our souls and make peace with the fact that the greatest victory lies in setting both ourselves and those we intertwine with free. Forgiveness, my friends, is the balm that heals, the bridge over troubled water, and perhaps, the very spice that will make the journey of life not just bearable but a savory adventure worth every bite.
Life’s short, and holding onto grudges is like holding onto a hot coal, hoping someone else feels the burn—it just doesn’t work that way. At the end of the day, forgiving might just be the ticket to freeing yourself from a never-ending cycle of sadness and bitterness. So why not give it a shot? After all, dropping that “shield” might just let in a whole lot of sunshine and laughter into your life—and who doesn’t want a bit more of that?
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It is very true; we all need to learn this truth so we may be truly free.
Thank you for sharing your view and gift with the world.